I had a fabulous Thanksgiving dinner. My family went up to the lake and feasted on turkey, mashed potatoes with garlic, cornbread dressing, green beans with bacon, mexican cornbread muffins, and EIGHT DIFFERENT TYPES OF PIE!!!

The break, however fleeting, was certainly welcome. I am absolutely exhausted at this point, and I am scared to death that I am somehow transferring this exhaustion to my classroom. Am I giving them enough of myself? Am I assigning enough work? Am I challenging them? The reality is that the students are working hard, and hopefully they are learning something important about themselves (and maybe a little something about English, too).

Today a couple of my students said I reminded them of Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers. I almost cried.

Rough Drafts

My students are working on the rough drafts of their persuasive essays right now. They've each chosen a topic and (supposedly) researched the idea to some extent. We talked about the persuasive appeals used by Aristotle - ethos, pathos, and logos - and looked at some examples in newspapers, magazines, etc. The topics ranged dramatically: off-campus lunches, four-day school week, U.S. dependency on foreign oil, incest, teen pregnancy, religious tolerance...

Some of the students are asking if they can take their arguments to the school board. I am thrilled that they want to take the assignment beyond the classroom, but at the same time I don't want their hopes to be destroyed when the administration only gives a passing glance to their hard work. Perhaps this would also be an appropriate time to teach the value of personal satisfaction. It's the act of creating that matters, not the opinions of others.

My Day

Today marks the end of the first quarter. I managed to get all my grades uploaded last night, so this weekend is FREE!!! That means Monday morning will smell of clean laundry, freshly vacuumed carpet, and baked apple muffins. Yay!

Next week we will embark on a tour of persuasive essays, complete with transcripts of presidential speeches and political cartoons. I found this really cool site with tons of lessons on cartoons and literature, so I'm excited to see how the kids react...






Here's an outline of my day as a teacher:

6:00 - my cell phone/alarm clock goes off
6:03 - turn on the coffee pot
6:04 - take a shower
6:12 - get dressed
7:00 - eat breakfast
7:12 - leave for school
7:20 - arrive at school, sign in at the workroom, and head up to class
8:00-9:40 - English classes
9:45-10:30 - run around making copies and grading work during planning period
10:30-12:10 - classes
12:15-12:40 - twenty-five whole minutes to eat lunch!!!
12:45-3:10 - classes
3:15 - grade, check mail, clean chalkboard, etc.
5:00 - leave school with more work
5:07 - open the front door, drop my bags, and run to the bathroom (high school bathrooms...I don't think so)
5:09 - change clothes, turn on the tv, start preparing for tomorrow
7:30 - find something to eat for dinner (usually a can of soup and some crackers)
7:40 - eat dinner while grading/checking e-mail/researching for tomorrow's lesson
9:30 - fall into bed, grab a book
10:15 - asleep

Week Seven

It's week seven here at my school. Everyone walks by chanting, "Can you believe it? Time flies so fast!!!" while I'm secretly thinking ONLY WEEK SEVEN?!?!

After our initial assessments, it's clear my students need some serious help with writing. Even though William Faulkner made stream-of-consciousness famous in the 1930s, kids today are making it infamous with the words "like," "so," "then," and "cuz" strung along the lines of paper without any hint of punctuation. I know that they have amazing ideas, and that they are capable of articulation; however, it will be a definite challenge to bring those ideas to life without stifling the students' enthusiasm.

Disappointment Runs Deep

The assignment was posted three weeks ago. It's on the class website and whiteboard. I reminded students every day. The requirement? Write four mini-essays (one page each) about a play we're reading - one for each section. Relate the play to yourself, your friends, or your family. I was trying to work on the "connect students to literature through personal comparisons with the text" element of the class.

And my heart literally breaks as I sift through the "essays." In my 6th period class, 6 out of 23 students did the assignment. Only 4 of those students did the entire assignment.

What am I suppose to do?!?!?!? I am trying so hard to reach these kids, to open them up to the idea that literature is a reflection of their own lives. Within the pages of books, should we choose to open them, are examples of find adultery, murder, anger, jealousy, rebellion, love, heartbreak, friendship, adventure, the search for identity...everything teenagers are going through right now!!!

I stopped one lovely little princess after class and asked her if she was worried about passing this class (after explaining the vocabulary test she failed and the essay assignment she didn't do). Her response: "Honestly, no."

What do I do?

I don't understand

This is a direct quote from at least four of my students this week:
"Those vocabulary words you gave us...where do we find the definitions?"

You know our education system is failing when 17-year-olds do not know where to find a definition. What's that sound? It must be Noah Webster rolling over in his grave. When I told students to find the definition on their own, the highest grade in ALL SIX ENGLISH CLASSES was 8/15. When I provided the exact definitions I would test them on (in the form of a MATCHING TEST), the grades were a little better, but I still had about 50% of the students with an F. Seriously? How difficult can it be to remember fifteen words?

Things aren't going much better in the attitude department. I actually had a student stand right outside my open classroom door and discuss how much she hated me and my class. So that afternoon I called the mom. She was at least kinder than the daughter, but when I said I was trying to engage her daughter in English, she said, "good luck with that." First of all, the phone call itself was an enormous step for me. I have anxiety attacks about calling parents. I am so afraid of parents that I prepare for the parent/teacher conferences about a month in advance. I pray for as few parents as possible. Maybe it's because my own mother actually took me out of school in 6th grade because I wasn't chosen as an usher for the middle school graduation. She was down at the school for many days debating the complete lack of justice in the selection process for ushering. USHERING. Now that I think about it, this may also be why I have an intense fear of graduation ceremonies.

Back again

Oh my goodness...

So very much has happened since I last wrote. I finished up my first year of teaching, and spent the summer in complete trepidation about finances. God walked me through and opened the door to another school in the area, and I am now working there.

The school is a VERY diverse environment - almost the total opposite of my classroom of clean little Christian pre-pubescents. While those students were barely dating, I have at least three students in this new class with children of their own. And that shocks me. Throughout this entire transition I have tried to maintain a pleasantly optimistic attitude; I've voiced my enthusiasm for working in a diverse classroom, for seeing the cultures of our area together, for hearing the opinions of our youth.


But honestly, now that I've seen it...I'm scared to death.
I'm not afraid for my life or anything like that. It's more a fear that I've gotten WAY in over my head. I don't have the experience or the tools to work with students who are coming from the worst possible homes. How do I make grammar, early American literature, and Emily Dickinson even remotely relevant???!!!???


I hope to keep posting on here. I want to express my thoughts and frustrations in a way that I can look back and reflect on years from now. And I want to get through this year with a feeling that I helped a student.

Praxis III

Tomorrow I take my Praxis III performance assessment. For those who aren't familiar with this process, here it goes:

Praxis I - computer-based test covering the general education requirements of college. This test must be passed before a student can gain admittance into a teacher education program.

Praxis II - paper-based test (or group of tests) that relate to a pre-service teacher's area of interest. For example, I took three English-based tests that assessed my ability to read, evaluate, and teach all areas of Language Arts. This test must be passed before a student can graduate from a college teacher education program.

Praxis III - performance based test completed in the first year of teaching. This test is three-fold. First, on the day of the assessment, teachers must provide the assessor with evidence of teacher collaboration and parent communication (usually in the form of emails or memos). Second, the teacher must complete two interviews - one before the assessment and one after. Third, the teacher must teach one lesson relating to their field of education. That lesson must have several elements, such as student communication, hands-on activities, objectives, evaluations, etc. This test must be passed before a teacher is officially certified by the state.

Tomorrow is my final evaluation. I go in at 7am to get ready for my pre-observation interview. Then I teach a lesson to my 2nd period class, which will be about paragraph structure. It's a really cute process where the students build a hamburger out of sentences, so they can see how a good paragraph is "tasty" and "satisfying." After the lesson, I go back into the interview room for another hour of questions about how my lesson went and what I might do differently. And the frustrating part is that I won't know anything about the results for at least 4 weeks.

I am so very, very nervous. It's a long, grueling process that will drain me physically and emotionally within a few short hours. I want to do my mentor, my parents, my teachers, and my students proud. I want to pass with flying colors and make a name for myself among the state administration and the local school boards. And I want to prove to myself that I am capable of maintaining a career that requires constant reflection, evaluation, and modification. Maybe this is a way for me to feel worthy. Of what, though?

With all that said, I am anxiously awaiting my return to my apartment tomorrow afternoon. Why? Because by then all this will be over, and I can go back to planning lessons that I enjoy teaching. Speaking of which...I need to start researching how to teach research papers. Yes, smell the irony.

Artwork

I made this little card during my vacation. It just seemed to come together as I pasted one thing upon another, until finally I was staring at the one thing I don't want to face. As a teacher I am suppose to have it all together, but I just don't...at all.

The funny thing is, this was one of the posts on PostSecret this week:

I wish I knew who this was.

It's the 4th day of my spring break, and I am incredibly, unequivocally, completely lonely.



My personality is one that doesn't really enjoy the typical comforts of friendship. I don't enjoy large dinner parties with a group of college buddies, full of wine-induced discussions of Nietzche and Marx (do these opportunities even exist?). I'm not a fan of weekend spa dates with my three best friends...mainly because I don't have three best friends. Impromptu movie dates, coffee shop meetings, and shopping escapades induce massive panic attacks - can I hold someone's attention that long? Am I capable of being interesting?



Most of all, I am horrible at maintaining friendships. If my houseplants are any indication of my nurturing abilities, then friendships will probably wilt just as quickly as my African violet, which was forced to endure harsh sunlight and random waterings until its untimely end last week (I have yet to throw it away, for fear that its death also represents my inability to love).



Usually I can keep myself busy enough to ignore the deep longing for human connections. School, thanks to the massive load of grading and preparation, can save me from actually addressing my loneliness. But now, in the midst of a break - a vacation - I must face my fears head on. I have no lasting friendships, and I don't know that I ever will. Instead, my greatest fears may actually come true. I will be that woman who lives alone, except for her collection of teddy bears and her twelve Persian cats, all named after famous actors of the 1930s. "Come here, Charlie Chaplin! Clark Gable, stop clawing the couch right this minute!"



My biggest fear...and I am just going to put it right out here...is that I will die alone. That may be a bit of a stretch from just enduring a solitary Spring Break, but I see this week as a step toward that fate. And the sad thing is I don't know what to do about it. Sure I could make a few phone calls and that would lead to the aforementioned activities (the ones I don't really like to begin with), but does that really fix anything? If I don't know how to take care of the friendships, then what is the point in starting them? That makes as much sense as putting a load of dirty clothes into the washer without any soap...and sort of just hoping they'll get clean. I'll end up walking around unhappy in either case.

Parent, Teachers, and Staff...Oh My!!!

Where, oh where, is my yellow brick road???





"You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom." ---Wizard of Oz

I do this so much...I run away without thinking about what I'm actually doing. It's that whole "fight or flight" thing, where you decide to either scream or cower. I tend to do the latter, but I like to think I'm getting better. Just last week I quit a part-time job that was literally sucking the life from me. Instead, I applied at the local library and was hired earlier this week! To me, that was not a choice made in a lack of courage, but one made with the wisdom that I can do better things with my time.

Por exemplo: In a situation I am currently experiencing (notice the passive voice), there are several factors that would indicate my cowardess. But the reality is, I am just waiting for the wisdom to make the right decision. Right?





OTHER THOUGHTS...

While I'm not a professional by any means, I have successfully survived my second set of parent/teacher conferences. A few thoughts:

1. Next year, just give every child 98%. No worries. No irate parents. No incomplete assignments. And most importantly, no grading!


2. Sitting for five hours straight is painful. Sitting for five hours straight in a large, cold room with no refreshments is mind-numbingly painful.


3. Being a teacher is awesome. If I was having any doubts about teaching, they are (mostly) dispelled. I really do like this, and I really think I am good at it.


4. Crossword puzzles, word searches, and sudokos must have been invented by a teacher. Without them, faculty meetings and conferences would be literally unbearable.


5. DO NOT ask a student's father if he happens to have a younger brother.


6. DO ask a student's mother where she gets her hair/nails done.

Wish Letter

Dear Cruel Parent -

No matter how dark a picture your child paints of me, or my teaching, or my attitude, you have no right to talk to me like an animal. I am a professional educator. I have worked six years for the degree that hangs above my desk - a degree that allows me to teach specific information to your child in a structured and applicable manner.

I do not hate your child, nor do I purposely look for ways to fail, humiliate, or judge any student. Frankly, I have much more fulfilling things to do with my time, like watching four solid hours of C-SPAN or cross-referencing my spice rack. Let's be honest...your child is using this "hatred" as an excuse for the missed assignments, poor test grades, and an overall slacker attitude that has developed with the onset of puberty. In other words, your child is creating distractions so that the real problem - whatever that may be - is less obvious.

Whatever the case, I do not appreciate the way you attacked me today. While I stood there and took the brunt of your frustration, I was secretly thinking about how much I just wanted to go home and hide underneath the covers. I am not ashamed to admit that you made me doubt my ability to teach, even though it's something I love. My day as a teacher was ruined, and I couldn't focus on my students' needs because of the nausea and headache that developed in response to our meeting.

How could you really think that I dislike your child? How could you honestly think that? As a first-year teacher, I expect a lot of lessons. And even more, I look forward to confronting the difficulties of this profession, because they will make me a stronger person and a better teacher. But I certainly didn't expect my faith, my morals, and my intelligence to be attacked in one fatal blow. Please know that I will continue teaching, because I love it. I also tend to think that the students are enjoying this teacher. I am pretty good for a rookie, and I plan to only get better. So if you or your child have concerns about me, I suggest you take it up with the administration, because I'm not changing a darn thing.


Sincerely,
Your Child's Teacher

Letter of Intent

Do I plan to teach next year?

Well, if I am like 1/2 of the new teachers in America, probably not. Yep...in the first five years of teaching, nearly 50% of teachers quit. Not a great thought.

Last year, as I was about to graduate from my school's teaching program, I assumed this statistic was either 1-inflated to spark national debate; or 2-proof of the sagging work ethic in America. Despite my best efforts, I managed to overlook the actual reasons for teacher dropout, which I'll share with you now...

1. $$$$$
Yes, that's right. We all need to face up to the fact that money is an important factor in our daily lives. It controls the kind of car we drive, the house payments we can afford to make, and even the brand of toilet paper we buy. And without a consistent paycheck, these small decisions become overwhelming obstacles. Take, for example, the fact that I am a single girl living in a modest apartment. I don't eat out, I drive an older model car, and my wardrobe is embarrasingly basic. And yet, on my salary, I am unable to scrounge up enough money to buy name-brand laundry detergent.
Let's make some comparisons. In my state, a teacher starts out at around $29,000 a year. The manager of a retail store averages $37,000 a year. A registered nurse earns $43,000. A private accountant starts at $44,000. Now, while none of these salaries are going to push us into the next tax bracket, it is clear that the teaching profession ranks quite low on the pay scale.

2. Parents
I love each and every student that walks into my classroom. I truly mean that with all my heart, and I hope that shows in my words and actions. For some reason that is totally lost on me, many parents feel that teachers "have it out" for their children. As a result, tension builds between school and home, buildng with each low grade and late piece of homework. In the perfect world, everyone would agree on the importance of rigorous education, but unfortunately new teachers find themselves faced with more parent issues than paperwork.

3. Administration
Did you know that a teacher has to complete just as many monthly reports, memos, supply request forms, and purchase orders as any secretary or office worker? Teachers are also responsible for curriculum guides, lesson plans, professional development forms, behavior modification worksheets, and gradebooks. And, oh yeah...we grade homework too.

4. Loneliness
I haven't talked to any one outside the walls of my school for about two months. With all of the above stress, there is no real energy left in the day for me to spend on outside activities. I think I would like to learn dancing, or exercising at the park, or dating. But unfortunately, school work has to take priority.

So that's just my two cents (better known as a half of my paycheck).

Have you ever woken up to the thought, "I don't feel good about myself..."?

I did. Just about an hour ago, actually. This voice, clearly resembling my own, kept repeating those 6 words again....and again...and again.

Just to be clear, this isn't some sort of existential battle between myself and the world. I think it is a battle between who I wanted to be at this age and the face I see in the mirror every morning. In other words, I am both the only ally I have and the worst enemy I could ever face. Isn't this true of most people, though? Don't we all have the same feelings of regretful disappointment when we realize just how far from our dreams we really are?

The worst part is that I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel good about my job - it doesn't fit me, and yet I am told each day that I am "meant" to be there. It is a Christian school, and I feel like each time I doubt my position or my efforts, I doubt God's purpose in my life. But doesn't God work in public schools? In non-Christian private schools? In colleges? Isn't He everywhere? God is just as present in a position that meants my content area and monetary needs as He is in a school that pays $7,000 less than the state requires (a little-known loophole allowed to privately funded organizations such as Christian schools).

I don't feel good about my friendships, or very obvious lack there of. This isn't too painful until I am drawn to an activity often listed under "hobbies/interests" in surveys, profiles, or facebooks: watching movies with friends, talking to friends on the phone, having coffee with friends, hanging out with friends, seeing plays and other artistic performances with friends, etc. You see how such experiences might not be as successful sans friends. And the funny thing is, I feel like I have something to offer people. I am somewhat interesting, and I can talk at length on topics such as artwork, religion, literature, regional interests, and television preferences. I know the difference between the painters Monet and Manet, between the authors Upton Sinclair, Sinclair Lewis, CS Lewis, and Lewis Carroll. And I can listen....in fact, I love to listen. I would prefer to listen than talk. I think we could all use a little more practice in the art of listening, of observing the actions and inactions of others as they wax poetic about their passions.

So, in the words of my conscience, "I don't feel good about myself." And I honestly don't know what to do about it.

Sunday Morning Musings

I haven't been doing a great job as a teacher. In fact, I would rate myself quite low on the scales of compassion, effectiveness, and effort. They tell you at the very start - "the first year will be life-altering. Do not give up, though. It will get better."

It has become very clear to me that students feed off of the teacher's mood. One of the first things I remember writing down in teaching internship was a silly proverb spoken by one of my favorite (albeit annoyingly sentimental) professors. Your mood determines the weather of the classroom. Now, I am not a fan of proverbs unless they are the kind listed somewhere between Psalms and Isaiah. But for some reason this little saying stuck with me, and now it applies more than ever. The weather here has been drearily cold, and that is translating a little to clearly inside my classroom. I have become that cold teacher who would rather be taking a nap or reading a book than waxing poetic on the uses of punctuation in newspaper articles versus academic writing (yes, there is a difference).

I want...no...I desire and pray to be different. My attitude is in no way conducive to the development of these students. And although their less-than-positive attitudes are extremely frustrating, my job is to teach them. My job is to teach them.

In the beginning of my internship I thought that teaching was my true calling. I would spend days crafting the perfect lesson plan - anticipatory set, introduction, lecture, activities, reflection, and conclusion. I introduced Robert Frost into a lesson about The Outsiders. I spent an entire weekend making feather-laden masks for the masquerade scene in Much Ado About Nothing. One time I even climbed atop a desk to recite Hamlet's famous "to be, or not to be" soliloquy. But that was the fantasy world of internship, where I was not exposed to the piles and piles of administrative paperwork (absentee forms, absentee homework sheets, monthly curriculum reports, weekly lesson plans, professional development forms, supply request forms, yearly curriculum guides, student discipline forms, parent communication forms, homeroom activity requests, substitute request forms, IEP forms, 504 plans, evidence of modification forms, etc.). There are so many other things I wasn't aware of - discontent within the faculty and administration, student discipline requirements, a lack of basic classroom supplies, the overwhelming bias toward student athletes...the list goes on and on.

I think, and this is just a passing thought, that if teaching were about teaching, then I would thrive as a teacher. But only a small percentage of my profession is actually reliant on the interaction between myself and my students during that 45-minute slot we have together each day. I want to be a good teacher, and more than that, the students deserve to have a good teacher. If I truly do control the weather in my class, then someone needs to help me fix my thermostat.

A Quiz

Sometimes you just don't want to write...it takes too much effort to come up with topics or issues that don't surround your immediate world. So instead, why not take a pre-fabricated quiz that lists all your likes and dislikes in a compact format? It's like the drive-thru of conversationalism. "I'll have two favorite tv shows and a 'have you ever...' to go please. Oh - and an extra packet of positive exaggeration."
So here is the Wal-Mart Supercenter of Questionnaires...

Grocery Aisle
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Subway (veggie delight with pepperjack cheese)
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Marketplace or IHOP
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? $2.00 or 20%
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? grilled-cheese sandwiches
Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice? cheese, mushrooms, black olives
Q. What do you like to put on your toast? peanut butter


Electronics Department
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer? My students and I at a tournament
Q. What is your wallpaper on your cell phone? Bubbles
Q. What kind of cell phone do you have? Sony Ericsson with camera
Q. How many televisions are in your house?One


Health and Beauty Department
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right-handed
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes, my tonsils...and I miss them.
Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted? A hefty load of laundry
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I don't know how that would help me become a better person. The Bible says that we are not ever guaranteed the next breath, so I would hope that I can live every moment as though it were the one that matters most. In other words, no, I do not want to know the day.
Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Cameron Diaz...or Miss America
Q. What color/s looks good on you? I think red, white, and green look good on me.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Yes! One time I swallowed my last drop of coffee and something went down with it. I think it was a dead insect! Even now I am gagging at the thought of what went down my throat.
Q. Have you ever saved someone's life? Yes, because I donated blood last month.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours? Yes, He did.


Entertainment Section
Q: Could you live with roommates? I pay $500 a month in rent so I don't have to live with a roommate.
Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Three maybe. I buy new ones each summer.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? I hope that my job as a teacher is a sign that I've grown up. I would also like to be an author of young adult novels.
Q: Last Friend you talked to? I text so much I can't think of who I've talked to. No, wait...I talked to some friendly co-workers on Friday.
Q: Last person who called you? My mother
Q: Person you hugged? A wonderful group of middle school basketball players who saw me after their game. I am so blessed to be their teacher, and I hope I never forget that.
Q: Number? Seven
Q: Season? I cannot stand the cold, so I love any season that allows 70+ degrees in temperature.

Checkout Line
Q: Missing someone? Yeah, I am. I want someone to talk to, to go to church with, and to cook dinner for. So even if it's not someone specific right now, I am missing someone.
Q: Worrying about? As a recently independent twentysomething, I am scared to death that I am not cut out for the real world. My budget is tighter than I would ever have thought, and I don't feel like it is allowing me the freedom to step out, be courageous, and support a life outside the cubical of my classroom.
Q: What can you not wait to do? Earn a master's degree, date an amazing guy, write a novel, and travel to Europe.
Q: What's the last movie you saw? Juno!
Q: Do you smile often? I try to! When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you...
Q: Are you a friendly person? If I'm not, I hope and pray that someone slaps me.

Energy.

I've never consumed a Red Bull. I don't take Yellow Jackets or No-Doz, and I can't drink more than 20 oz. of soda a day. But I do eat a relatively healthy, balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I get 8 hours a sleep every night, I take a multi-vitamin, and I keep my mind fresh with crossword puzzles and paperback fiction.

SO WHY AM I SO TIRED?!?

Even as I type this I am trying valiantly to come up with something witty, or even remotely intelligible. But instead I am thinking of the various chores that must be completed before I can go to bed. I like to think I have some foreign disease that sucks my energy dry - that way my lethargy isn't my fault. I could call myself unwillingly unenergetic. I could be an innocent victim of energy-sucking parasitic diseases. Is that disturbing? Do you feel sorry for me?

I think I'll start my own energy prescription:

100 mg green tea

25 mg diet Red Bull

150 mg pure cane sugar

150 mg Mountain Dew

take three times daily with food

follow with six tablespoons ground coffee