It's the 4th day of my spring break, and I am incredibly, unequivocally, completely lonely.



My personality is one that doesn't really enjoy the typical comforts of friendship. I don't enjoy large dinner parties with a group of college buddies, full of wine-induced discussions of Nietzche and Marx (do these opportunities even exist?). I'm not a fan of weekend spa dates with my three best friends...mainly because I don't have three best friends. Impromptu movie dates, coffee shop meetings, and shopping escapades induce massive panic attacks - can I hold someone's attention that long? Am I capable of being interesting?



Most of all, I am horrible at maintaining friendships. If my houseplants are any indication of my nurturing abilities, then friendships will probably wilt just as quickly as my African violet, which was forced to endure harsh sunlight and random waterings until its untimely end last week (I have yet to throw it away, for fear that its death also represents my inability to love).



Usually I can keep myself busy enough to ignore the deep longing for human connections. School, thanks to the massive load of grading and preparation, can save me from actually addressing my loneliness. But now, in the midst of a break - a vacation - I must face my fears head on. I have no lasting friendships, and I don't know that I ever will. Instead, my greatest fears may actually come true. I will be that woman who lives alone, except for her collection of teddy bears and her twelve Persian cats, all named after famous actors of the 1930s. "Come here, Charlie Chaplin! Clark Gable, stop clawing the couch right this minute!"



My biggest fear...and I am just going to put it right out here...is that I will die alone. That may be a bit of a stretch from just enduring a solitary Spring Break, but I see this week as a step toward that fate. And the sad thing is I don't know what to do about it. Sure I could make a few phone calls and that would lead to the aforementioned activities (the ones I don't really like to begin with), but does that really fix anything? If I don't know how to take care of the friendships, then what is the point in starting them? That makes as much sense as putting a load of dirty clothes into the washer without any soap...and sort of just hoping they'll get clean. I'll end up walking around unhappy in either case.