Have you ever woken up to the thought, "I don't feel good about myself..."?

I did. Just about an hour ago, actually. This voice, clearly resembling my own, kept repeating those 6 words again....and again...and again.

Just to be clear, this isn't some sort of existential battle between myself and the world. I think it is a battle between who I wanted to be at this age and the face I see in the mirror every morning. In other words, I am both the only ally I have and the worst enemy I could ever face. Isn't this true of most people, though? Don't we all have the same feelings of regretful disappointment when we realize just how far from our dreams we really are?

The worst part is that I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel good about my job - it doesn't fit me, and yet I am told each day that I am "meant" to be there. It is a Christian school, and I feel like each time I doubt my position or my efforts, I doubt God's purpose in my life. But doesn't God work in public schools? In non-Christian private schools? In colleges? Isn't He everywhere? God is just as present in a position that meants my content area and monetary needs as He is in a school that pays $7,000 less than the state requires (a little-known loophole allowed to privately funded organizations such as Christian schools).

I don't feel good about my friendships, or very obvious lack there of. This isn't too painful until I am drawn to an activity often listed under "hobbies/interests" in surveys, profiles, or facebooks: watching movies with friends, talking to friends on the phone, having coffee with friends, hanging out with friends, seeing plays and other artistic performances with friends, etc. You see how such experiences might not be as successful sans friends. And the funny thing is, I feel like I have something to offer people. I am somewhat interesting, and I can talk at length on topics such as artwork, religion, literature, regional interests, and television preferences. I know the difference between the painters Monet and Manet, between the authors Upton Sinclair, Sinclair Lewis, CS Lewis, and Lewis Carroll. And I can listen....in fact, I love to listen. I would prefer to listen than talk. I think we could all use a little more practice in the art of listening, of observing the actions and inactions of others as they wax poetic about their passions.

So, in the words of my conscience, "I don't feel good about myself." And I honestly don't know what to do about it.