Energy.

I've never consumed a Red Bull. I don't take Yellow Jackets or No-Doz, and I can't drink more than 20 oz. of soda a day. But I do eat a relatively healthy, balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I get 8 hours a sleep every night, I take a multi-vitamin, and I keep my mind fresh with crossword puzzles and paperback fiction.

SO WHY AM I SO TIRED?!?

Even as I type this I am trying valiantly to come up with something witty, or even remotely intelligible. But instead I am thinking of the various chores that must be completed before I can go to bed. I like to think I have some foreign disease that sucks my energy dry - that way my lethargy isn't my fault. I could call myself unwillingly unenergetic. I could be an innocent victim of energy-sucking parasitic diseases. Is that disturbing? Do you feel sorry for me?

I think I'll start my own energy prescription:

100 mg green tea

25 mg diet Red Bull

150 mg pure cane sugar

150 mg Mountain Dew

take three times daily with food

follow with six tablespoons ground coffee