Back again

Oh my goodness...

So very much has happened since I last wrote. I finished up my first year of teaching, and spent the summer in complete trepidation about finances. God walked me through and opened the door to another school in the area, and I am now working there.

The school is a VERY diverse environment - almost the total opposite of my classroom of clean little Christian pre-pubescents. While those students were barely dating, I have at least three students in this new class with children of their own. And that shocks me. Throughout this entire transition I have tried to maintain a pleasantly optimistic attitude; I've voiced my enthusiasm for working in a diverse classroom, for seeing the cultures of our area together, for hearing the opinions of our youth.


But honestly, now that I've seen it...I'm scared to death.
I'm not afraid for my life or anything like that. It's more a fear that I've gotten WAY in over my head. I don't have the experience or the tools to work with students who are coming from the worst possible homes. How do I make grammar, early American literature, and Emily Dickinson even remotely relevant???!!!???


I hope to keep posting on here. I want to express my thoughts and frustrations in a way that I can look back and reflect on years from now. And I want to get through this year with a feeling that I helped a student.

Praxis III

Tomorrow I take my Praxis III performance assessment. For those who aren't familiar with this process, here it goes:

Praxis I - computer-based test covering the general education requirements of college. This test must be passed before a student can gain admittance into a teacher education program.

Praxis II - paper-based test (or group of tests) that relate to a pre-service teacher's area of interest. For example, I took three English-based tests that assessed my ability to read, evaluate, and teach all areas of Language Arts. This test must be passed before a student can graduate from a college teacher education program.

Praxis III - performance based test completed in the first year of teaching. This test is three-fold. First, on the day of the assessment, teachers must provide the assessor with evidence of teacher collaboration and parent communication (usually in the form of emails or memos). Second, the teacher must complete two interviews - one before the assessment and one after. Third, the teacher must teach one lesson relating to their field of education. That lesson must have several elements, such as student communication, hands-on activities, objectives, evaluations, etc. This test must be passed before a teacher is officially certified by the state.

Tomorrow is my final evaluation. I go in at 7am to get ready for my pre-observation interview. Then I teach a lesson to my 2nd period class, which will be about paragraph structure. It's a really cute process where the students build a hamburger out of sentences, so they can see how a good paragraph is "tasty" and "satisfying." After the lesson, I go back into the interview room for another hour of questions about how my lesson went and what I might do differently. And the frustrating part is that I won't know anything about the results for at least 4 weeks.

I am so very, very nervous. It's a long, grueling process that will drain me physically and emotionally within a few short hours. I want to do my mentor, my parents, my teachers, and my students proud. I want to pass with flying colors and make a name for myself among the state administration and the local school boards. And I want to prove to myself that I am capable of maintaining a career that requires constant reflection, evaluation, and modification. Maybe this is a way for me to feel worthy. Of what, though?

With all that said, I am anxiously awaiting my return to my apartment tomorrow afternoon. Why? Because by then all this will be over, and I can go back to planning lessons that I enjoy teaching. Speaking of which...I need to start researching how to teach research papers. Yes, smell the irony.

Artwork

I made this little card during my vacation. It just seemed to come together as I pasted one thing upon another, until finally I was staring at the one thing I don't want to face. As a teacher I am suppose to have it all together, but I just don't...at all.

The funny thing is, this was one of the posts on PostSecret this week:

I wish I knew who this was.

It's the 4th day of my spring break, and I am incredibly, unequivocally, completely lonely.



My personality is one that doesn't really enjoy the typical comforts of friendship. I don't enjoy large dinner parties with a group of college buddies, full of wine-induced discussions of Nietzche and Marx (do these opportunities even exist?). I'm not a fan of weekend spa dates with my three best friends...mainly because I don't have three best friends. Impromptu movie dates, coffee shop meetings, and shopping escapades induce massive panic attacks - can I hold someone's attention that long? Am I capable of being interesting?



Most of all, I am horrible at maintaining friendships. If my houseplants are any indication of my nurturing abilities, then friendships will probably wilt just as quickly as my African violet, which was forced to endure harsh sunlight and random waterings until its untimely end last week (I have yet to throw it away, for fear that its death also represents my inability to love).



Usually I can keep myself busy enough to ignore the deep longing for human connections. School, thanks to the massive load of grading and preparation, can save me from actually addressing my loneliness. But now, in the midst of a break - a vacation - I must face my fears head on. I have no lasting friendships, and I don't know that I ever will. Instead, my greatest fears may actually come true. I will be that woman who lives alone, except for her collection of teddy bears and her twelve Persian cats, all named after famous actors of the 1930s. "Come here, Charlie Chaplin! Clark Gable, stop clawing the couch right this minute!"



My biggest fear...and I am just going to put it right out here...is that I will die alone. That may be a bit of a stretch from just enduring a solitary Spring Break, but I see this week as a step toward that fate. And the sad thing is I don't know what to do about it. Sure I could make a few phone calls and that would lead to the aforementioned activities (the ones I don't really like to begin with), but does that really fix anything? If I don't know how to take care of the friendships, then what is the point in starting them? That makes as much sense as putting a load of dirty clothes into the washer without any soap...and sort of just hoping they'll get clean. I'll end up walking around unhappy in either case.

Parent, Teachers, and Staff...Oh My!!!

Where, oh where, is my yellow brick road???





"You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom." ---Wizard of Oz

I do this so much...I run away without thinking about what I'm actually doing. It's that whole "fight or flight" thing, where you decide to either scream or cower. I tend to do the latter, but I like to think I'm getting better. Just last week I quit a part-time job that was literally sucking the life from me. Instead, I applied at the local library and was hired earlier this week! To me, that was not a choice made in a lack of courage, but one made with the wisdom that I can do better things with my time.

Por exemplo: In a situation I am currently experiencing (notice the passive voice), there are several factors that would indicate my cowardess. But the reality is, I am just waiting for the wisdom to make the right decision. Right?





OTHER THOUGHTS...

While I'm not a professional by any means, I have successfully survived my second set of parent/teacher conferences. A few thoughts:

1. Next year, just give every child 98%. No worries. No irate parents. No incomplete assignments. And most importantly, no grading!


2. Sitting for five hours straight is painful. Sitting for five hours straight in a large, cold room with no refreshments is mind-numbingly painful.


3. Being a teacher is awesome. If I was having any doubts about teaching, they are (mostly) dispelled. I really do like this, and I really think I am good at it.


4. Crossword puzzles, word searches, and sudokos must have been invented by a teacher. Without them, faculty meetings and conferences would be literally unbearable.


5. DO NOT ask a student's father if he happens to have a younger brother.


6. DO ask a student's mother where she gets her hair/nails done.

Wish Letter

Dear Cruel Parent -

No matter how dark a picture your child paints of me, or my teaching, or my attitude, you have no right to talk to me like an animal. I am a professional educator. I have worked six years for the degree that hangs above my desk - a degree that allows me to teach specific information to your child in a structured and applicable manner.

I do not hate your child, nor do I purposely look for ways to fail, humiliate, or judge any student. Frankly, I have much more fulfilling things to do with my time, like watching four solid hours of C-SPAN or cross-referencing my spice rack. Let's be honest...your child is using this "hatred" as an excuse for the missed assignments, poor test grades, and an overall slacker attitude that has developed with the onset of puberty. In other words, your child is creating distractions so that the real problem - whatever that may be - is less obvious.

Whatever the case, I do not appreciate the way you attacked me today. While I stood there and took the brunt of your frustration, I was secretly thinking about how much I just wanted to go home and hide underneath the covers. I am not ashamed to admit that you made me doubt my ability to teach, even though it's something I love. My day as a teacher was ruined, and I couldn't focus on my students' needs because of the nausea and headache that developed in response to our meeting.

How could you really think that I dislike your child? How could you honestly think that? As a first-year teacher, I expect a lot of lessons. And even more, I look forward to confronting the difficulties of this profession, because they will make me a stronger person and a better teacher. But I certainly didn't expect my faith, my morals, and my intelligence to be attacked in one fatal blow. Please know that I will continue teaching, because I love it. I also tend to think that the students are enjoying this teacher. I am pretty good for a rookie, and I plan to only get better. So if you or your child have concerns about me, I suggest you take it up with the administration, because I'm not changing a darn thing.


Sincerely,
Your Child's Teacher

Letter of Intent

Do I plan to teach next year?

Well, if I am like 1/2 of the new teachers in America, probably not. Yep...in the first five years of teaching, nearly 50% of teachers quit. Not a great thought.

Last year, as I was about to graduate from my school's teaching program, I assumed this statistic was either 1-inflated to spark national debate; or 2-proof of the sagging work ethic in America. Despite my best efforts, I managed to overlook the actual reasons for teacher dropout, which I'll share with you now...

1. $$$$$
Yes, that's right. We all need to face up to the fact that money is an important factor in our daily lives. It controls the kind of car we drive, the house payments we can afford to make, and even the brand of toilet paper we buy. And without a consistent paycheck, these small decisions become overwhelming obstacles. Take, for example, the fact that I am a single girl living in a modest apartment. I don't eat out, I drive an older model car, and my wardrobe is embarrasingly basic. And yet, on my salary, I am unable to scrounge up enough money to buy name-brand laundry detergent.
Let's make some comparisons. In my state, a teacher starts out at around $29,000 a year. The manager of a retail store averages $37,000 a year. A registered nurse earns $43,000. A private accountant starts at $44,000. Now, while none of these salaries are going to push us into the next tax bracket, it is clear that the teaching profession ranks quite low on the pay scale.

2. Parents
I love each and every student that walks into my classroom. I truly mean that with all my heart, and I hope that shows in my words and actions. For some reason that is totally lost on me, many parents feel that teachers "have it out" for their children. As a result, tension builds between school and home, buildng with each low grade and late piece of homework. In the perfect world, everyone would agree on the importance of rigorous education, but unfortunately new teachers find themselves faced with more parent issues than paperwork.

3. Administration
Did you know that a teacher has to complete just as many monthly reports, memos, supply request forms, and purchase orders as any secretary or office worker? Teachers are also responsible for curriculum guides, lesson plans, professional development forms, behavior modification worksheets, and gradebooks. And, oh yeah...we grade homework too.

4. Loneliness
I haven't talked to any one outside the walls of my school for about two months. With all of the above stress, there is no real energy left in the day for me to spend on outside activities. I think I would like to learn dancing, or exercising at the park, or dating. But unfortunately, school work has to take priority.

So that's just my two cents (better known as a half of my paycheck).